August 31, 2003
wide awake
categories ::If I could, through myself, set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away, see you break, break away
Into the light and to the day.
To let it go and so to find a way.
To let it go and so find a way.
I'm wide awake.
I'm wide awake, wide awake.
I'm not sleeping.
-- U2
the first time i heard that song was late summer, 1995. the radio alarm went off around 7 am. it was still cool outside and the sunlight was sheer and clean. the cars were rushing by about fifteen feet from my window and i looked around my strange, new little room with its slits of clean light and suddenly felt that it was going to be okay. that i could do this. i felt that way again this morning.
why do these feelings hit? is it because i was tired and finally got some sleep? is it because i sleep-walked last night and vaguely recall talking to my cat as though he were sean? is it because all that angst has to go away eventually sometime? can i bottle up more of this feeling to save for later? maybe in mason jars? is there a way to feel like this all the time--fresh, savvy?
talking to magenta last night, i said that there was something about distance that taught you really quickly about what was at the core of your relationship to another person. like magenta and i, who are best friends, see each other once or twice a year, don't send each other stuff on our birthdays, and are general flakes. and it doesn't mean anything, all that. we're sure of each other. the rest doesn't matter. it would be weird to say that i missed magenta. would i be glad if she were here? hells yes! but to say that i miss her would mean that i palpably feel her absence. or bear's. or mom's. or my sisters' or aaron's or the paradisers' or the music geeks'. or any other loved one. and if anything, i usually feel their presence, a silent strong support.
it's strange to feel the actual distance not meaning anything. i feel like i've triumphed over some great force of evil.
and yet i'm sleepwalking again. disquiet lurks.
Posted at 10:32 PM
Magenta is a wise woman. But we knew that already. She is right, of course, about distance revealing what is at the core of a relationship. I have and have had too many relationships via distance and have learned this lesson all too well. However, it took Magenta and you to put it into terms that make coherent sense.
Sometimes, there are some people with whom your relationship is about getting continually closer to the core of who they are. When this is the basis, distance seems trivial, I guess.
Or am I totally missing the point?
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