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March 12, 2004

fits and starts

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I worry more than I should. People tell me this all the time and I say, "Truly I am my mother's daughter." Part of the way Mom shows that she loves me is in the way she worries about me. Those relationships without that kind of dynamic mystify both of us. I used to ask Bear to call me whenever he got home after dropping me off at my house (especially because I've developed rather a phobia of cars over the years, and because I've seen drivers round those parts). Whenever I find Shadarko on IM when it's 4 AM his time, I ask him why he's up (there's never a reason, and I know this) and I worry he's not sleeping enough (he never is, it seems). I worry nowadays because I know so many brilliant people, and I am afraid that some people will let their brilliance be snuffed out by a stupid, stupid world that isn't very kind to brilliant people.

Is that melodramatic? Probably, but it's been a while since I've let my inner drama queen have center stage. Take that! And that!

I worry about myself too, sometimes. I don't have a lot of confidence. And I feel a lot of times that worrying about whether you're good enough at your chosen field is a complete waste of time, because there is no satisfactory answer to that question, and any answer could only encourage complacency or stifle you into not creating anything at all. I'm better than I was, but still. Yeah. It's the stupid, pointless questions that always get you, and sidestepping those things is sometimes hard.

I'm often thinking (about myself and others): You shouldn't be in grad school. You shouldn't be lurking in this ridiculous place. You shouldn't be applying for those jobs that have nothing to do with the thing you love. You shouldn't be just wandering around looking for the next thing you can do to occupy your time. You shouldn't, but I can't always tell whether it is fear that drives you or a cold reality that you have no other choice. You are too good for this.

I have decided that I am going to pursue having a career as a composer in the most audacious, balls-out way I have ever tried. I'm sending stuff to competitions. I'm applying for grants. I'm checking out performance opportunities. I'm doing all that stuff that profs don't tell us much about, because it seems as though they don't know or don't worry about it much anymore because they have teaching positions. The crazier something is, the more likely I am to try it in my current mood. I just believe that nothing is going to happen unless I am constantly trying. I'm really, really lucky to be in a position where I may not need to get a job when I go home after school, and I am going to take advantage of that fact as much as possible. This feels great, this feeling, after the last couple years of not really caring much about any work I was doing, especially when I was horribly unhappy while teaching here.

Fear (of what?) drives people in odd directions, doesn't it.

I don't think the world snuffs anybody out. I think people do it to themselves.

I have the sneaking suspicion that this entry isn't making any sense. But I'm cool with that. I feel as though I shouldn't be writing about this. I'm not sure why that is. I forgot to talk about the few people I know who can draw the beauty out of life and seem to make opportunities for themselves (when really they just reach for things other people don't even think to reach for), the ones that I'm watching and learning from. These thoughts have been lurking under the surface for years, coming to a head more and more right now. I am glad I began writing with the acknowledgement that I worry too much. At least I do it out of love.

The night before last, I was doing tai chi on our front lawn at 11 PM. Breathe. Push. Breathe. Cars were zipping by on my street. The air was cold and crisp. Breathe. (I will not let myself lose this fire.) Rotate. Shape. Breathe. My neighbor was dragging his trash out to the street. (Life is too short to be forcing disappointment on yourself.) Breathe. It smelled like cold. (We are too gifted and cool and feisty and intelligent to do this to ourselves. Is that life?) Ward off left. Slow move forward. (Is that life?) Push to the right. Ward off right. (Is that life?) Breathe.

Posted at 10:49 AM
comments

Way to go, Jen. Apply for everything. It's great to stop worrying about whether you're good enough (at least for a little while) and just reach for everything you can think of.

That was an impressive, lucid post. Sounds like one of those times when something has become clear and describable after a lot of mulling it over. Not easy, necessarily, but clear.

Also, creative types are notorious for the kind of self-criticism and self-doubt you're describing. It's part of what drives us to do cool shit that other people haven't thought of.

Posted by: jesse at March 12, 2004 12:05 PM

Go for it. I've been applying to jobs and getting ready for my next attempt at grad school with the same philosophy.

Posted by: nosipho at March 12, 2004 2:20 PM

word.

Posted by: nenie at March 13, 2004 12:23 AM

i agree with all of the above posted comments, but i'd also like to add that there is no hurry to be successful in a desired field. we have our whole lives. we're young. we can afford to take it in stride!

after all, i - an aspiring film director - am teaching english in prague, which, of course, has everything to do with film! ;)

Posted by: iain at March 15, 2004 3:21 AM

Ok cus you're cool you'll get the full banana. You rock have I mentioned that before, and dont you think I wonder why in the world you're awake and online when I'm on at 4am? Isn't that more unhealthy and worrysome? It is in my book, of course in my book days begin at noon idealy. So I'm not taking the manager's job because I realize it's not right. It didn't feel right and it's not heading in the right direction. Ok it might be because its further way from here but it's in the desert for god sake and happyness should not be produced purly from the fact that coolness comes only from an Ice Machine. When weighing the pros and cons of going it was pretty fifty fifty but the being all alone in mumblenuc helped me to decide. Whats the fun of running a motel billions of miles away from anything intersting and millions of miles away from anyone intersting like yourself or that guy with the curly hair? Nothing I tells ya, nothing. So yeah. I agree with you, I just sent out a few applications tonight. I am still a bit sad about not taking the job because I have a feeling it could have some how turned out to be my only chance of running a bardello in the middle of the desert, but other neater chances will happen and stuff so yeah. Now go put that in your pipe and smoke it! na!

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