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May 12, 2004

lilacs I

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This is a two-year-old entry from an earlier incarnation of fathom. I'm reposting it now because it feels like this again.

(May 27, 2002)

It was warm and sunny today--one of the first days this year that the warmth felt like it was all around you. I was walking home. On the right, the sun was setting. It was pink and blue and violet, muted and yet bright the way tissue paper or stained glass looks when held up to the sun. A woman passed me with her dogs running behind. The light was golden, distant, fading.

Sophomore year, in the fall, I remember a day when there was a strong wind on one of the days when the leaves were at the height of their richness. The wind blew in huge spirals, visible formations, great swathes of movement. Maple and oak leaves the colors of apples, cinnamon, pumpkins, and corn were swirling around me. The sky was a bright, bright blue. In the chapel, we were getting ready for Singers. Megan came in and said, in her big, rich voice, "Did you guys see how gorgeous it is out there? I was out there for two hours and it was so beautiful I--I just sat there and wept, it was so beautiful and there was nothing else I could do about it." For the last two and a half years, it's come back in my head from time to time.

The lilacs are blooming now. We were walking home last night--I played drums for the last concert for Zsa's a cappella group, the Accidentals. It was a sad night indeed, in that sense--I've always looked forward to the once-a-term treat of beautiful music. They sang and a bunch of us played drums and we got a standing ovation. We were walking home, kind of buzzed, kind of sad, kind of happy. It was very, very quiet. We were talking softly--a bunch of people were meeting us at home to watch a silly movie. And--bam--I got a great whiff of lilac, made even more intense and more sweet by the rain. And I thought, that's lilac. I didn't know what lilac smelled like until now.

The people that leave, the people that stay. The ones I thought I'd lose touch with who've hung on. The ones that I thought I'd always be close to who faded away or hate me or just disappeared for no particular reason. I can remember summer days with all of them. Or, rather, spring going into summer. Just about this time of year. I don't know why it's those days that stick the best. But they do, and they come back from time to time.

Zdanna and Laura have fallen asleep while I've been writing this. I'm using Laura's laptop. Zdanna has an article--probably biology--on her stomach. Laura propped up her legs, and a book of critical essays on Persuasion by Jane Austen is open on her lap. Laura looks like she fell asleep while in the middle of running her fingers through her hair. Zsa is cradling her head in the crook of an arm. They're each sprawled on a couch. Layla the black cat is perched near the top of Zsa's couch, staring out the window. It's light in here and I can't see what she sees. It's quiet on our street, except for a dog barking maybe a block away. The keys clicking is the only sound. It's been dark outside for hours.

How do you take all this beauty? If you don't cry easily, you type. A lot of things are going through my head. The light fading. The scent of lilacs. The sound of them sleeping. The dog barking. The leaves, swirling endlessly. Megan weeping at all the beauty around her. The light is fading and everything else grows more sweet, more intense.

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