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categories ::I'm in the middle of a two-week trip back to Cincinnati. It's awful. It's wonderful. That's why I'm doing weird shit like posting at 2:14 AM. I'm here because, tomorrow, I'm going with the electro-acoustic ensemble NeXT Ens (i.e. I'm going with a bunch of my friends) to a festival in Chicago where they'll play my piece. While I'm here, I also need to pack up the last of my stuff. I left for Los Angeles in a hurry this past June, with five haphazardly packed bags, a sitar, and a masters degree. So there's lots of my stuff here.
That's not entirely true. There isn't that much stuff. But the packing is still hard, because everything is tangled in everything else. I have to take home all the spices, perhaps hundreds of dollars' worth of spices. I need to check with Gabe and make sure that I don't take his dried basil home. My cookbooks, which we all used last year. Movies, books. I'm recalling the things I've loaned out, including a little TV. There's a guilt to it, too. Most of the things that make the house homey belong to me. How can I take the house's only pepper grinder? What pretty containers are you guys going to use to hold the sugar and the salt? I already took the silverware, and a house of five men trying to subsist with roughly three spoons is a truly ugly sight. The untangling is hard.
When I first came to Cincinnati two years ago, I was so unhappy. People seemed nice, but very distant, and very...I don't know how to say it; conservatory. But through a determined series of invitations my first quarter here, some nervous affairs that gradually devolved into silly parties, I got my only group of friends composed entirely of composers. (Ahahahaha pun. Go me.) It's lovely to have groups of friends whose great diversity of interests makes your life richer. But it's also amazing to have that group that shares your same passion, and you energize each other and geek out like nobody's business. I've been... I've been so, so happy here. I missed Sean so much, and that's been awful, but so many other things were right.
A house that takes turns cooking extravagant dinners eaten together. A really comfy couch to watch the same silly movies again, squishy enough for someone to crash on and big enough for four people. A bus line on the street. A living room big enough to have the whole department over. A sunroom to practice flute or violin or viola da gamba by the morning light. A really, really comfortable place. With really comfortable people.
Bear and I are acknowledging what we've always known: that our current neighborhood, Hollywood, is really not a place where we belong. It's pleasant and curiously amusing, but in the way a vacation home might be. I'm enjoying it, but we're both pretty sure we'll have achieved closure by a year. It's weird being home in LA. I'm restless. It doesn't help that I'm still job hunting and am cooped up at home in the heat all day. I get bouts of psychopathic stir-craziness. I feel like a blob of water skittering on wax paper.
(Aside: This is a terrible analogy. But it's 2:30 AM now, for the love of God, and it really is actually quite appropriate, just not poetic. There is the definite incompatibility of wax and paper, and the funny skittery motion, a little bit chaotic and panicky, is similar to the way I flail about Hollywood, tripping over Bootsy Collins' handprints in the concrete, or arriving to dinner in a dirty Pontiac behind a Lexus and a Maserati, not going swimming with all the sleek and tanned and friendly neighbors because of my super-Xtreme farmer tan, the brightness of which could permanently damage retinas.)
I settled back into the pace of life here way, way too easily. Gossiping about people's summers, reviving inside jokes, cooking dinner with my (former) housemates, pining for Sean, talking about plans and projects and whatnot. There was a sense of relaxing into something. Which is so great. And it's so evil. I'm going back to LA in a week. Must. Chill. I'm having so much fun that it's bad. I'm definitely That Alum Who Visited Again Way, Way Too Damn Early. Because I don't feel like an alum at all. It doesn't help that my friends are all staying on. Together. Without me. And I'm envious and rather worried that they'll all forget about me. It's both ludicrous and true. I don't have my new life together enough yet to be able to resist just slipping back into my old one, let alone the siren song of chilling with my friends again. Life wasn't perfect here, but it was good, and it had a comfortingly pleasant rhythm that I understand. Bear's absence was an enormous fault. But it was also the only one.
A few nights ago, we went to a friend's house, a concrete cottage-thing Right On the bank of the Ohio River. We grilled fancy-shmancy brats over an expertly tended fire pit, watching the river go by and listening to the crickets. "How does it feel to be back?" Carlos said. "To me, it's like you never left. I'm going to be so confused when you go."
I feel bad taking the paper lanterns and the drapey scarves. The lamps with the naked lightbulbs will look so awful without them. I took almost all the music stands, so they'll have a harder time playing chamber music as a house this year. Gabe needs to finish that book by the end of the week, or who knows when he'll get to finish it. I borrowed this book from Meg six months ago. I want that poster Zdanna gave us, which occupies the place of honor over the mantle, but I don't know how to ask for it. I pace the rooms, trying to remember what is mine, trying to work up the will to take it away.
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