October 13, 2004
the good, the bad, the monkey showgirl
categories ::THE BAD:
I've been obsessing way too much for too long about what kind of job to get.
| Pros | Cons | |
| Temping | Flexible schedule Easy to leave (I mean, it's temporary) | Will probably pay less Is not intellectually stimulating With no car, transportation may be a pain, or not possible |
| Full-Time Job | May be fun, since I really like using my marketable skills Will probably pay more Will figure out a transportation solution and stick to it | Won't have time to compose Harder to leave |
And, I mean really, the whole "won't have time to compose"-thing really trumps everything else. But I'm not even sure I can *get to* temp jobs -- LA's public transportation system is pretty good in parts, terrible in others. I can't imagine that would help.
After all the obsessing, I think I've finally decided to try everything simultaneously. I can go into the temp people and be like, "Really, I can only take things in Hollywood, downtown, and Santa Monica. I know it's absurd, but so it is." Or I could (argh) re-learn how to drive. And learn how to drive freeway, at that.
That's really a good idea--not only because it would be useful for temping. My little sister's car is lying unused at my Mom's house; I'd have it at my disposal indefinitely. I think I would feel somewhat cooler if I could drive. The truth is, I'm scared of driving.
I've been in two enormous car accidents in my life. I'm ashamed that this matters, because the other people in those cars have since learned to drive or continued driving without any problems. But I can't get into a car without thinking about things like the gory scene on the Austrian highway, the I-40 whirling around and around outside the windshield, and (most of all) that sudden and overwhelming sensation that you are out of control of something that seemed innocuous at first but is actually incredibly powerful and potentially deadly. Every time I get into a car, I think about death and briefly make my peace with the world. I'm not exaggerating. I'm not kidding.
Realizing I have this phobia makes me want to drive more. I know it's something I should know how to do--more importantly, it's something that I simply need to get over, for my own well-being. But I also get frustrated with people who tell me things like, "It's just something you need to get over with. I mean, you're an adult now." You don't know how hard this is for me. It's hard.
I just scheduled an appointment with the DMV to get my license replaced. It was stolen a while ago, and I haven't bothered for a shamefully long time since I don't use the damn thing and (you guessed it) I've had trouble getting transportation to a DMV, especially back in Cincinnati. Now I'm here, and it's not more than a mile walk from the nearest bus stop. So HA!
THE GOOD:
I was saying to Sean that we can't be a self-respecting household without at least a few board games. He returned with "a little surprise", which turned out to be Scrabble. I love Scrabble, even though trying to play it makes my vocabulary revert to that of a drugged, stunted toddler.
We spent an insanely pleasurable weekend in San Diego with Meg and Alison (a lovely dancer/video artist that I met through Meg), spending a beautifully quiet, overcast, and silvery day at Torrey Pines State Park (the sexy beach truly as sexy as portrayed on the Google-ganked pic at left, cool craggy sandstone and all), purchasing really good books we'd all recommended for each other, grabbing guacamole to go, critiquing Alison's recent dance/video show on DVD, and catching the final (and fabulous) concert at NWEAMO (the New West Electro-Acoustic Music Organization. Seriously, it was one of the best electroacoustic concerts I've seen; it was great. We also managed to eat four times at a disturbingly tasty café, Just Fabulous (the website has the most gloriously absurd wedding cakes you could want). More on this, perhaps.
For the first time ever(!), I got a piece accepted to something! Hmm... sort of. The aforementioned piece, velocity, got accepted to the Pacific Basin regional concert of 60x60. It appears that this second concert is a bit of an afterthought, and perhaps not as cool as getting into the good ol' regular New York version, but it's a start. Look, Geppetto, I'm a real composer! Or something. Now to start making submissions again. I'd gotten a bit discouraged. Apparently, most people I know have about a 10% success rate with such things. The key is to keep applying.
Also, there's reason to believe that my birthday (which is in a couple weeks) will be awesome. Magenta will be in town. Cool stuff is going on in the city. I've gotta make plans. It's not every day your girl turns twenty-four...
THE MONKEY SHOWGIRL:
I talked to Magenta yesterday, for the first time in a while. I love that it doesn't really matter how long it's been. At some point, I said, "Hm... Should I be something for Halloween? I hadn't thought about it." And Magenta said, without any hesitation at all, "You should be a monkey showgirl."
"A what?" I sputtered.
"Okay," Magenta said, clearly liking the idea more as she spoke of it, "You get a fur suit, right? And a cocktail dress. Instant showgirl monkey!"
"I love that you said this thing instantly," I said.
"Well, it's the only natural conclusion," she replied.
Posted at 8:52 AM
I have a similar fear of driving, although my fear has the more predictible consequence of making me want to drive less. I think it's fueled by a bunch of things. Growing up in NYC, I have seen what stupid things people do with/in cars. Living in New Haven hasn't helped this at all. I witnessed a horrific car accident (flipped over and over and over into a field, flinging out half of the occupants) almost exactly a year ago. It happened out of nowhere, which makes it even scarier. I know the fact that it was probably caused by a physical problem with the car that was due to poor maintenance should reassure me that the same won't happen to me in Alex's well maintained car, but it doesn't completely. I've barely driven since I got my license at the beginning of the summer. Now I fear I'm going to have to relearn again. But at least I'm licensed. I know that if there were an emergency and I had to drive a car somewhere, I would physically be able to and I'd know the ins and outs of how to do it. It's a bit reassuring.
Scrabble is great! I never liked it as a kid. We didn't own a board, and I was never particularly good at it when I played with friends. Picking up new and interesting vocabulary has never been my strong point. But I've recently become addicted to it at e-scrabble.com, and have really grown the love the game. And to learn that I don't have to have a vocabulary worthy of an 800 on the SAT to be good at the game. Feel free to start up an e-scrabble game with me if you ever feel an urge to play online. It's especially good for down times at work, which you may have many of if you end up temping. :)
Hoo boy, don't let's ever play Scrabble together. I become a stunted drugged toddler with a very short temper when she can't play the (usually 4-letter) word she planned out three turns ago.
**********************************
Until about two months ago, every time I got in a car I pictured a small child running into the street in front of my bumper. My thighs would clench the entire drive and I'd be sore and wobbly when I got out of the car. I hated driving. Hate it.
It became absolutely necessary for me to drive this year, so I've forced myself to do it and the fear has started to go away. I realize that I have a lot more control over the vehicle than I thought I did, and I can go as slowly as I need to in order to maintain that control (or as quickly as I need to to remain safe). It helps somewhat that I've become comfortable on some really nerve-wracking highways (13 isn't too bad, but 580 in East Oakland can be a bit gnarly) so now I feel much more calm when I'm in a more normal situation. I drove in SF for the first time last week and (to my enormous surprise) it was easy!
But believe me, I understand. It's scary and it's scary for good reason.
************************
Part 3: temping. One thing you can do with the temping is not only specify locations, but duration. Tell 'em you won't take an assignment that's shorter than 2 weeks, say. That gives you a little more wiggle room for working out transpo.
Posted by: anna at October 14, 2004 3:50 PMRebekkah, I'd love to play e-scrabble with you sometime, despite the fact that you will probably tool me in a thoroughly disgraceful manner. :) I've actually been playing it a bit with Sean while he's at work, since he has slow days from time to time.
Anna, when I was taking my first behind-the-wheel lesson, a small child actually *did* run in front of me. Luckily, I was in one of those cars where the instructor can seize control of the vehicle at any time. I pushed down really hard on a pedal, but in my panic, I'm not sure which one it was. Jesus. Yeah. Not helping! I remember 580 well - that is, I remember how mad it made my parents. :) Good idea with the temping. That's happily reassuring.
Thanks for sharing my anxiety, ladies. It helps a little to know I'm not alone.
Posted by: jen at October 14, 2004 5:29 PMJen, you are not alone! I'm feeling the *exact same* anxiety about learning how to drive myself, even though I know I must do it sometime. Joe has been trying very hard to encourage my brave times by taking me out and letting me drive the car, but I still get terrified when I'm behind the wheel, and only insist on doing our driving stints after 11 at night when there's no one on the road for me to hit. I become a ball of tension when I even think of having to drive on icey Minnesota roads. eeeek...
So yeah, you're not alone! I'm trying very hard to get over this anxiety of mine, but I seem to have less and less time for it now.
Posted by: Erica at October 14, 2004 7:00 PMCongrats on the 60x60 acceptance, yo. Wow, you are a real boy, I mean composer now.
;)
Posted by: nenie at October 14, 2004 10:04 PMyeah, so to echo nenie: congrats on 60 x 60!
and for all of you scared to get behind the wheel, i have a simple solution for you! :)
before announcing the solution, i'd like to say that while i lived in LA, i began to hate driving more and more because of the insanity of the freeways... but now i know they really aren't that insane... which brings me to my solution:
move to Prague! prague has the greatest public transport system in the world (in my opinion)! ;) i've driven twice since i've been here and that was on out-of-prague trips in the middle of the country...
on the frickin deathtraps... i mean, freeways...
LA driving is not nearly as horrendous as European freeways. people barrelling down on you at upwards of 200km/hr is not a fun time. and then having them within inches of your bumper until you can manage to pass the car on your right..
yeah...
LA is easy compared to Europe.
so, the plus side of prague (in relation to driving): great public transport
the minus side: if you ever want to leave the city by car, you will be driving on a deathtrap.
;)
iain
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