fath’·om:: night angst

December 2, 2004

night angst

categories ::

It's 1 AM.
I'm waiting for Bear to get home from work.
Yes, he's fine. He just had to work That Late.
It's nobody's fault, but I'm pissed that his job makes him stay this late.

I'm pissed. And I'm tired. And I'm lonely.

Good thing I'm not the sort of person who solves loneliness and pissed-ness with liquor.
I'm too lazy to get out of bed anyway.

Grrrrrr.
Grrrrrrrrrr.
*sigh*

These days when all I seem to be doing is working and commuting and sleeping and never, ever, ever seeing friends or my HUSBAND are what drive me up the wall. Not composing at all is very lame, yes. But if I lose it for a minute and my "emergency thing to do" is just to call up friends and ask them out for dinner (thanks for being free, Shadarko), that's not cool. And if there are periods of time such that I got to talk to my husband more when I was living in CINCINNATI and he was living in LOS ANGELES, that is also not cool. At all.

I don't know what's up with me. Half the time I'm happy. Half the time I feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin. Weekends are great. Work is fine to good, usually good. Commuting is okay; dreading it is actually worse than doing it. It's the rhythm of things, I guess. The proportion of things. That's off, way off, and I would be going nuts right now if I had the energy to. I can't believe how out of it and weird I've been feeling, considering that there's absolutely nothing truly bad going on. I've seen pretty bad stuff. This isn't it. When did little stuff like this start getting to me? Is it because I'm a spoiled old softie now? There's no reason to be in a funk. This stuff shouldn't be bugging me.

But I can't sleep without my boy.

There's lots else to write about, and that entry is slowly in progress. Stay tuned for lucid, articulate, semi-complacent writings. Some other night.

It's 1:12 AM. This is not what we signed up for.

Posted at 1:13 AM

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i have an idea: vacation in Prague! ;)

i can't sympathize, having never been in the same situation, but i can certainly understand the frustration of it all!
-itr-

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I hear you. It's the feeling of "We've been through so much. How can this be a problem?" But make sure to listen to the feeling. I find if something seemingly mundane is bugging me that much, it's often much more important than it appears to be at the surface.

Posted by: redfierma at December 2, 2004 7:26 AM

What's the quote? Any idiot can face a crisis, it's this day to day living that wears you out. Chekhov.

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