June 5, 2005
elegies
categories :: life1.
Ten years ago, yesterday, my grandfather died of a heart attack while picking up the morning paper. That moment remains the most important in my life. First, because my grandfather was a fantastic person, an incredible man. The world without him is not as cool as the world was with him. Second, because shortly afterwards, my grandmother, who had been fairly healthy until then (like my grandfather), fell and broke her hip, and suffered a stroke in surgery. She was left paralyzed and unable to speak, bedridden and constantly grieved, although for which reason we could never clearly understand. Third, because losing my grandfather and now trying to find a way to care for my grandmother in the best way possible became the forces that simultaneously pushed my extended family closer together and further apart. We had always been a close-knit family, by Western standards, but the stakes in conflicts between us all suddenly became so much higher. There were rifts that we all feared would be impossible to breach. Fourth, because that day marked the beginning of the most bizarre, most difficult years of my life. I think of that time as a crucible of sorts, and living through it, while really a very passive sort of achievement, is nonetheless the most difficult thing I've done.
On Friday afternoon, Mom taught me how to fold Chinese gold paper. When done properly, they look like gold ingots. Yesterday, she took them alone to my grandfather's grave. (She could have had plenty of company, I think, but wanted to go alone.) The story goes that (as with incense and paper money) the smoke ascends to heaven, where my grandfather will be sure to have enough gold that he can be perfectly happy and comfortable. Like many people (it seems), we laugh a little bit and say that we don't really believe that (citing the religion or secular humanist belief system of our choice), but we do it anyway...just in case. The harder the fold, and the better you fold them, the more they are worth.
Mom did hundreds by herself, and my cousin and I had just started that afternoon. Normally, neither of us is any good at origami-type things. But we squinted and sweated and did our very best to make the folds crisp, the corners perfect, the little puffy thing in the middle perfectly puffed. I don't know how many we did, but we were at it for hours, and it seemed to go on forever. There was a lot to think about during the time.
2.
Today is the sixteenth anniversary of the massacre at Tiananmen Square.
A little reading:
Wikipedia
Amnest International press release
Los Angeles Times article (free subscription to site)
If you are willing to take a moment of silence today in memory of this, I'd appreciate you posting a blank comment to this entry so I know you did it. Obviously, you don't have to. But it'd be kind of cool to know that I didn't do this by myself. Thanks.
Posted at 8:02 AM
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a little bit late, but taking the moment nonetheless
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