fath’·om:: state of the bear

« state of the uterus :: ♦ :: state of the bear, part 2 »

June 20, 2005

state of the bear

categories :: life

Two months ago:
Bear starts getting terrible, terrible headaches, combined with nausea and vomiting. There's some post-nasal drip and sinus pressure as well. He goes to see a general practitioner. The GP diagnoses him with allergies.

Two weeks ago:
Bear has tried every allergy drug known to man. He's still miserable and very sick, and having trouble having a normal life. He has trouble working, playing, thinking straight. On a particularly bad night, as he is feeling utterly horrible, I flip out and decide that this *can't* be allergies. I Google his symptoms. Migraine comes up as a possibility. He tries some over-the-counter migraine stuff and it's the first stuff that's actually helped.

Last Thursday:
We go to see a neurologist. It sounds like migraine to him, too, but he does a routine exam anyway. At which he noticed Bear's blood pressure: 220/140. Yeah. Let me rephrase that. 220/140. He says that the BP could have caused the headaches, and he can't treat anyway until the BP is fixed. He refers us to a nephrologist.

Today:
We go to see the nephrologist. He says: Um, okay, you need to go to the hospital NOW. Bear checks in at 248/152. Over the next twelve hours, they finally find a drug that works--the most powerful one they have. They run every test known to man-and-woman-kind to look for (a) the cause of all this, and (b) potential damage. Because it's pretty clear at this point that this BP has been high for a long time. Nobody knows why the GP didn't catch it. They find no cause (as of when I left), but they do find that there has been some (hopefully reversible) damage to his eyes and kidneys.

Bear starts having trouble talking--just a little trouble forming words properly. He knows what he wants to say, but is just having trouble physically doing it. He thinks it's low blood sugar. He tries to eat, but can't keep it down. He finally tells me to go home, and falls asleep.

I'm home. I was at the hospital for about nine hours. I've been running on adrenalin all day. I'm exhausted. I can't believe how miserable he's been, for months, and how slowly I've watched him get more and more tired, and hang on by looser and looser threads. His illness is my personal idea of hell. His BP is currently drugged up at 150/80, which is great compared to what it was. I'm so tired. My hands are shaking. I'm so scared, and I don't know exactly what I'm scared about. It's better than not knowing. It's better than still thinking it's allergies. It's good that we're getting to the bottom of it. I'm just frightened of what we'll find, at the bottom. I want him well again. Watching him suffer the last couple months has been slowly and insidiously breaking my heart and I'm only just this moment realizing that that's what's been happening. I start crying and I can't stop, and then I suddenly stop and can't cry. I don't know what's in me right now. I'm very, very raw around the edges. And all through, really.

I'm going to sleep now because I have to. To everyone that I asked to come here and read this, I'm sorry I couldn't type it all out individually. I'm just too tired, and I'm going back to the hospital first thing tomorrow, so I wouldn't have time even if I had the energy. Please check back here for updates. It'll probably be another 24 hours, though.

Posted at 9:02 PM

comments

word, yo
if you guys need anything
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Posted by: nenie at June 20, 2005 9:06 PM

Big hugs to you Jen and well wishes for both Bear and you.

Posted by: Almejor at June 20, 2005 9:48 PM

Call me if you need anything!!! I'll call you tomorrow to check up on you, but I want you to sleep now. Izmirites to the rescue!!

Posted by: Sarah at June 20, 2005 9:54 PM

Husg and take care. I hope they find out what is going on soon.

Posted by: Xay at June 20, 2005 9:59 PM

Please call me if you need anything at all. I love you both and hope that an easily treated answer is quick in coming.

Posted by: anna at June 20, 2005 10:24 PM

Thoughts and prayers, Jen.

Posted by: Mike G. at June 20, 2005 11:21 PM

Ditto what everyone else said. Sleep. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of Bear and call if you need to talk/vent/cry.

Posted by: Kathy at June 20, 2005 11:23 PM

Ditto to everything everyone else has said. For what it's worth... I've been in a very similar place, and words can't describe how awful that feeling is. I'm sending many, many hugs your way.

Please feel free to call anytime (number's in my Caucus profile), day or night, if you ever want to.

Posted by: Deanna at June 20, 2005 11:42 PM

Yes. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.

Posted by: jeff at June 21, 2005 12:22 AM

Sleep. Talk to friends. All the love I can muster I'm willing to you and bear.

Posted by: Chris A. at June 21, 2005 4:13 AM

You're in my thoughts, both of you. Hang in there, sweetie.

Posted by: Amanda at June 21, 2005 4:20 AM

Hugs, thoughts, wishes and prayers for both of you.

Posted by: Steve at June 21, 2005 4:36 AM

My thoughts are with you, Jen. Let me know if I can be of any help.

Posted by: Lisa D at June 21, 2005 5:43 AM

What they said: I'm thinking of you both and hoping for the best, and if there's anything I can do for you, please let me know.

Posted by: Scott at June 21, 2005 5:44 AM

My thoughts and good vibes are being sent your way.

Posted by: silsby at June 21, 2005 6:05 AM

No idea what Kacia and I can add that so many others can't but sign us up.

Posted by: Willy at June 21, 2005 6:22 AM

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said. Let me know if there's anything I can do for either of you. Have faith that all will turn out good in the end.

Posted by: Candy at June 21, 2005 8:35 AM

We love you with all our hearts.

Posted by: Magenta at June 21, 2005 9:06 AM

It's pretty clear you have many friends that wish you well and are available to help you. Count me into that list. My love to you both and all my thoughts and best wishes.

Posted by: Julie at June 21, 2005 11:40 AM

heya, sweetpea. I am sending all the good karma I can muster south along I-5 in your direction. If I was a praying type, I would do that too - but in the absence of that, I'm packaging up all the love I can.

Posted by: alicia at June 21, 2005 12:33 PM

you and bear are in my thoughts. if you need anything at all, let me know.

we all love you and pray for you.

Posted by: ines at June 21, 2005 4:04 PM

Jenlove, Please add my support to the outpouring. I love you both so, so much.

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Love, love, love - health, health, health.

Posted by: Jonathan at June 21, 2005 7:28 PM

More support and well-wishes to the both of you. I know how terrifying this kind of thing can be, and how good it can be to have help. If there's ever anything I can do for you guys, don't hesitate to ask. Really, truly.

Posted by: Eric A. at June 22, 2005 10:29 AM

My thoughts are with the two of you.

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let me add my thoughts and prayers!

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