June 24, 2005

longest week ever, day 5

categories ::

I'm sorry I've been such a flake, for those of you who've written/called. It's been rather busy over here; I hope you understand. But still, all the good vibes are very, very helpful. Thank you. Agh, I hate how generic that sounds. Seriously. Thanks.

Bear shall be free! Soon! He got some more information from the doctors without having to cut 'em off from his blood supply. His kidneys are both smaller than normal and inflamed ("Doesn't that make them...normal-sized?" we both wanted to know). He's also mysteriously producing too much of a protein called creatinine. Most commonly, this goes along with certain kinds of kidney damage, but his kidneys are not damaged in those ways. The mysteriousness of his kidneys is the reason for the biopsy. They are still waiting for some other test results, as well. The main thing is that the doctors don't know at this point whether the weird things about Bear's kidneys are *causes* or *effects* of the high blood pressure, and that's pretty key to find out.

Once the biopsy's done, they'll want to keep him overnight for observation. They're hoping to set up the biopsy for tomorrow morning, but if they can't do it then, they'll release him and he'll come back sometime in the next few weeks (whenever it's possible) to do it then. So Bear will be out tomorrow or the next day! Whoo!

I find myself wondering (horribly, nonsensically, in an I-know-I-shouldn't-do-this way) whether any of this was my fault. I was a right pain to be around while dealing with the ovarian cysts these past couple of months--the extreme mood swings, especially the depression, could not have been easy to deal with. I joked a while ago about how Bear doesn't really complain or show signs when he's suffering, but I find myself wondering if I just wasn't watching closely enough, checking up on him enough. Especially since I *know* that he tends that way. I didn't allow myself too long to feel histrionically and irrationally guilty, though apparently a *tiny* bit of time was necessary (and egged on by fatigue and my ovarian-cyst-pills). Now it's just sort of sitting there, an inert-seeming question. I imagine it will just sit there forever and ever.

Things are slowing down enough that I actually have a little time and energy to just sort of look around for a moment. I can't believe how hard the last couple months were on both of us, and how it happened so slowly and gradually that we never thought to mention it to friends or family--like the onset of a chronic injury, in a way. It had gotten to the point where Bear and I weren't making plans with friends until a couple hours before we wanted to get together, simply because that was the only way to make plans we knew we could keep, since we never knew when Bear would be well enough to come out and play. You know it's not right when you burst into tears from relief and amazement when your husband says that his head doesn't hurt.

Bear's getting used to life at half the blood pressure he used to have. He looks just a little different--he was a little puffy-eyed all the time before. And he says that his face just *feels* a little different--the skin seems more relaxed and pliable, he observed, while smushing his cheeks experimentally. The lightheadedness and fatigue are slowly fading. He's apparently a little anemic at this point, also. But getting better.

The kidneys remain a mystery today. But it's so incredible to see him feeling normal, in a way that he simply hasn't in months. Have I already said this? I'm sure I have. The fact that the saga isn't done yet is rather exasperating. But the fact that the chapter where Bear suffers is done is very, very satisfying.

---

On an unrelated note, I got a very nice e-mail from the company with which I interviewed on Wednesday. I'm not really quite lucid enough to write back just now, but I'll be taking the job. It sounds like I can learn so much there, and the company had such a nice, relaxed atmosphere, that it really is perfect aside from the pay. I mean, the pay's perfectly reasonable for an internship. It's just, you know, internship pay. Still, it's enough that, together with Bear's income, we'll be fine. I'd like to begin in mid-August; we'll see what they think. That way, I'd have time to handle the move, apartment hunt, and get unpacked and settled in SF before work begins. This way, Bear won't need to be responsible for anything on his own; since we don't know how quickly he'll recuperate, I think this would be the best way to do it. Even if he did get mostly better quickly, I think it's best if he stays as stress-free as possible for a while more. Wow. It's actually going to happen.

So things are falling back into place again. I didn't really realize until recently how very *out* they'd become, as if our lives sort of tried to creep out from under us while we weren't looking.


Posted at 11:27 PM

comments

I'm so very glad Bear is getting better. And many congrats about the job. I can't imagine what this week must have been like for you.

There are so many things to say, and most seem to be escaping from me right now. I'll write what I do remember, though. Yes, it's amazing how you just get used to chronic illness until one day you wake up and realize, no, wait, things really are drastically different than they were.

I don't know what to say about the guilt, but you've been good about reminding me during the medical crises I've been a part of that the important thing is that *now* things are taken care of. On one hand, keeping an eye out for symptoms is important, but on the other, he's okay. You're okay. That's what's important. It's scary to not realize how far you've slipped, but if it's possible, maybe that energy could go into being more aware in the future rather than feeling a little guilty now? Just a thought.

I also hear you on the whole not being able to go outside and play phenomenon, and the being amazed when the illness does not interfere with your daily routine. It's just crazy how it can rule your life.

I know I've said this a zillion times before, but please let me know if there's anything I can do for the two of you. I'm listening, if nothing else.

Posted by: Deanna at June 25, 2005 12:00 AM

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Posted by: shadarko at June 25, 2005 8:56 PM

I am very, very glad that he is getting better.

What will become of his job when you move to SF? Will he transfer, or stay there for a while?

Posted by: Q at June 26, 2005 10:51 PM

Do not stress on the 'what the hell caused it' and more on the 'let's find a day to stop it and get Bear all better' part of the equation. Happiness to you both for a) less stress on everything, b) Bear coming come and c) cutting doctors off of Bear's blood. (Even those baby needles start to hurt after a while.)

Let's make plans to celebrate soon.

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