fath’·om:: longest week ever, day 7

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June 26, 2005

longest week ever, day 7

categories ::

That's right. I skipped a day because Day 6 was so perfectly fabulous.

It's kind of hard to describe how things are right now. When I was in fifth grade, I twisted my ankle while skiing. The muscle didn't feel quite right, but my dance teachers told me that pain was normal during dance, and not to worry about it. Finally, in seventh grade, I realized--with a shock--that I couldn't point my foot. At all. And that, now that I thought about it, I was in constant pain. It turned out that that skiing accident years before had actually been a fracture, and my ankle bone was now completely broken--I had slowly broken a piece of the bone off completely over time. Two surgeries weren't enough to fix it, and a year later I had to quit dance, my favorite thing to do. That's why I can't do anything other than walk or swim without hurting my ankle, and on bad days sometimes I can't do those either.

The strange thing was that shock, when I was in seventh grade. I couldn't remember any moment when I'd slowly lost range of motion, and started dealing with more and more pain. Chronic injuries are so insidious, so slow in evolving, that you can get used to an awful lot. The changes are so slow that you don't even realize what's going on.

I don't really know when Sean started coming home with a little bit of a headache. I didn't worry about it because, to be honest, *I* came home with a headache pretty often, too. Dehydration and eyestrain, I think--a result of working in an office with crappy, flickering florescent lights. Even as we started confiding in each other less--slowly. Even as he slowly started losing energy, getting more tired all the time, slowing down the jokes and the wackiness and the general frenetic Sean-ness that partly makes him so much fun. It was as if, slowly, he was becoming translucent. But each day he faded so slowly that I never entirely knew what was happening. There was just a gradually growing sense that life was off somehow, that *we* were off somehow, that the ground was tipping in ways I couldn't follow.

One week ago, at night, I said to him, "Even when we talk, you seem not...really here. Not present. And I miss you. And I want you back." And he said, very, very sadly, "I want me back, too." Later that night, I was typing on my computer and Sean was sleeping restlessly. He'd thrown up two or three times that day, had kept down something like half a piece of toast all day, and had finally fallen into uneasy dreams in spite of a persistent headache. Suddenly, he jolted awake, panting. "What? What is it?" I said, even though it was obviously his head. I tried to hold him, I tried to kiss his forehead, but he didn't even seem to realize I was there. A minute passed, agonizingly slowly. Finally, he said, "I lost my body."

"You what?" I said, fighting a rising sense of panic.

"It was the worst headache I've ever felt," he said, seeming to search for words. "I couldn't feel my own body. It was like everything that I was, like all that I was, was headache."

It has been seven days since then. He scarfed down an enormous burger with fries yesterday at lunch, and shared a melty chocolate cake for dessert. He gave me a fabulous backrub, despite my protestations about how he's the recuperating one. He woke up at six in the morning, and felt so well rested that he went for a hike in the hills about his parents' house. He danced around in a circle, because he can.

He looks different. His skin is back to normal--we didn't realize how kind of splotchy and puffy he'd gotten until suddenly he just wasn't. He looks sort of--focused. Not necessarily thinner, but just...more like a real body. I can't describe it. His eyes are the most striking thing to me. He is so aware. He is so present. He is so alive.

They say that the BP has probably been gradually escalating for years. He says that he feels more himself than he has since about 2003. It's crazy. It's totally crazy. But it's true, and it shows. I was just worrying that he was getting bored and restless in our marriage. Apparently, that isn't it at all. Because he's back. The man is back.

I missed you, fool.

Posted at 10:45 AM

comments

I'm so glad to hear that things are getting better, even if you don't know what the catalyst for the whole nightmare was in the first place.

I just read an article about Kristen Maloney that reminded me of your ankle story. She was an elite level gymnast (went to the 2000 Olympics) who trained at one of the gyms that is unfortunately really known for breaking their athletes. She had leg pain for YEARS, and by the time anything was really done about it, she had a bone infection so bad that the doctors thought they might have to amputate! She lost 2 years of college competition while healing, and came back in her senior year to win 2nd place all around in the NCAA championships, as well as gold medals on 2 individual events. I think she was voted best NCAA gymnast of the year, and ESPN has her nominated as one of the top female collegiate athletes of the year. In her case, if she had been at another gym (almost any other gym that trains elite gymnasts...), she would not have ended up in that situation. She probably wouldn't have gone to the Olympics, but she also probably wouldn't have almost lost a leg and not have lost 2 years of college gym opportunities. But it's got to be even scarier when it's something that you don't even know to look out for, like Bear's blood pressure.

I hope you don't mind me sharing that story. It just reminded me a lot of your post and recent hardships, and I like that it has a very happy ending, despite all the shit in the middle. :-D

Posted by: k2 at June 26, 2005 1:17 PM

{:-D

Posted by: Q at June 26, 2005 10:55 PM

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Posted by: nenie at June 26, 2005 11:15 PM

Oh sheesh, I didn't realize that things had gotten that bad.... Goodness, how did I miss all that?

But all is good with the world once more and no need for the major worries. Doctors know that they're doing. And I've just got excellent Summer tea from my Uncle (shipped all the way from Taiwan with much love and affection... and despite having given me three giant bags of Fall tea when he visited last month), that'll cure him if nothing else will. So... you got a tea pot lying around?

Posted by: Candy at June 27, 2005 8:54 AM

Uhm cute stories about gymnasts aside, I AM SO GLAD YOUR HUSBAND IS BACK! You are such a rock, and I'm glad he's back to the guy you know and love. I am so sorry that you had this horrendous scare; I can't think of much that would be worse than losing him. Hooray for Sean! Hooray for Jen.

Posted by: anna at June 28, 2005 10:03 AM

Candy - there's no way you can hold yourself responsible for not noticing, if *we* barely even noticed what was going on around us. Please don't worry!

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