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Yesterday rocked, for the most part. This year, Bear is teaching music technology in the film scoring program he attended two years ago, and I went with him and loitered while he took care of a few things in the computer lab. We spent a few hours looking at the dinosaurs and gems at the Natural History Museum, and then met up with folks for dinner and "Brothers Grimm", which was appallingly awful, but pretty fun nonetheless.

Dinner nowadays is the hardest part. Bear is trying a wheat-free diet for a couple weeks, because there is, in some cases, a correlation between ciliac disease and IgAN. Ciliac disease (wheat allergy) may cause elevated levels of antibody production when you have wheat (since allergies are an immune response, after all), and it's elevated levels of the antibody IgA that makes IgAN what it is. So he's trying it out for a couple weeks, to see if he feels better.

This particular recommendation is at the behest of an acupuncturist, Dr. B, who is also an M.D. and has treated some IgAN patients in the past. She just joined the office of Dr. R, who has been working absolute wonders on Bear in terms of helping deal with the side effects of his drugs, mostly prednisone. Bear's had an unusually strong response to prednisone, in terms of side effects. So we trust the acupuncturists' office. But, between them and the nephrologists, Bear is now no gluten (temporarily), low sodium, low potassium, low dairy, and low animal protein. So he's basically down to corn, rice, some more obscure grains, and low-potassium fruits and veggies.

It's hard not to say "we" in the above paragraphs. Even if I don't always end up eating what he's eating, I think that we've put an equal amount of thought into what life with this diet entails. Mom and I hit the Asian markets and picked up rice noodles, green mung bean vermicelli, sesame oil, and chili garlic sauce. The hardest thing was finding a soy sauce he can have. From the enormous wall of soy sauce, we found one brand, a disturbing off-brand import from the Philippines that was $1 per LITER, that was wheat-free. Later, Bear and I hit Whole Foods and picked up grits, quinoa, blue corn flakes, basmati rice, puffed corn, rice cakes, spaghetti made with corn, and two bread alternatives marked "BROWN RICE LOAF" and "TAPIOCA LOAF". Good Lord. For the most part, I've felt rather good about being able to help Bear figure all this out. I've helped read labels and think up alternatives, come up with recipes and restaurants, and keep track of approximately how much of each semi-forbidden thing he's had each day. I've felt as though, by helping Bear with it, by living with it along with him, I might be providing a little support.

It's incredibly frustrating for both of us, but we're trying. For the most part, I think we've both done a good job keeping sane, staying positive.

Yesterday, at the Museum, Bear filched a couple French fries off my plate, and the first thing I thought was oh-my-God-high-potassium-high-sodium. We both know this. But he just needs to stay *low*, I told myself. So a couple fries is okay. No big deal. And I think the man needs little splurges from time to time, just for sanity's sake. I chilled out. I don't even think he noticed the wee moment of panic. They're nearly daily right now anyway.

When we got to the theater, a friend went to buy popcorn, and as we waited, we mocked the prices ($5 for a small tub, and it only got better from there). "I'm glad it's so expensive," Bear said lightly, "or I would have had to ask you if I could get a small tub, even though it's incredibly high in sodium."

"I'm glad it's so expensive," I said, equally lightly, "because I would have hated to say no."

There was this really, really weird moment where we stared at each other, and he realized what I'd said, and I realized what he'd said. I think we were both thinking something like holy-crap-were-you-serious? I wanted to qualify it somehow, and tell him that I just meant that, no, I wouldn't recommend it, but I wasn't sure that was true. That stuff is straight up not good for him, and I honestly didn't know if I could sit and watch him eat it. I was also totally shocked that he was actually pondering a whole tub of that stuff--he's been really good about his diet so far, and I hadn't seen him actually seriously consider breaking it before. A couple fries is different from a tub of popcorn.

The look on his face was unreadable. I don't know what I looked like.

We got into the theater, and the tub got passed around. I didn't take any because I feel a little guilty, eating things Bear can't have when he's sitting right there. (That's every meal now, but still--I try to avoid it when possible.) Bear took a handful of popcorn, and I flinched and said nothing. It's his life, I told myself. They passed the tub around and he took a second handful, and before I could stop myself, I was thinking "WTF?", and I said, "Bear?" That's all I said.

He looked at me like I had kicked him. I felt like I had.

I mean, all the man wants is some farking *popcorn*. He'd had rice for dinner for what must have felt like the 80th time in a row, after a completely crappy salad at the Museum because it was literally the only thing on the menu he could have (other salads had dairy, or potassium, or really salty dressing). He loves baking and baked goods, and hasn't been able to have any. And I know that the diet is good for him, and I feel sure that it's helping, but in that moment he was flipping out a tiny bit and I could understand that. But I felt so lost, as to what I should do.

I felt so lost. What do I do? How do I help? I want so much to help, but I don't know how. Do I let him make himself happy? He's been so good about things, and it's so frustrating, and it's not *that* terrible for him--okay, fine, it *is*, but he's been so good about it, and he looks so, so sad. And I did that to him. That look on his face that I've never seen before, that's because of what I said. Do I make him do what's best for him, like he does when he wrestles me to keep me from scratching the summer bug bites that drive me insane, despite my pleas about the itching oh the itching just five seconds oh come on pleeeease? He is rather merciless in those moments, and my skin's probably better for it. He finished that handful of popcorn, and didn't take anymore. And it's five in the morning, and I can't go back to sleep, because it's still lingering.

What do I do? How do I help? I want to help take care of him, but I can't stand it if he looks at me that way again. And it's been hard so far, it's been really hard, and I feel weird saying that because I'm not the one who has an illness, but it's been hard for *both* of us, damn it, but I always knew what to do until now. Books and nutrition facts and websites and research. Helping him stay afloat in an overwhelming amount of information and requirements. Holding him when we're both frustrated, because of anything from how hard it will be to conceive children later to his simple inability to have a piece of toast. Trying to stay calm and in control when the mood swings that are STILL plaguing me (five months now?!) threaten to make me lose my grip of the situation. Singing at his grandfather's funeral. Cleaning. Unpacking. Most of the time, it's clear what I need to do.

Last night, I saw how sad I had made him, and for the first time I thought, "You know what? Maybe you're not doing a very good job."

Posted at 6:03 AM

comments

I don't have an answer for you. The situation sucks and it's hard, but you know if you ever need to talk, Sanch and I are here to listen to you, both of you, vent at us over the phone.

Posted by: Kathy at August 29, 2005 10:31 AM

Wow, what a tough spot to be in. I'm also available for phone calling or email venting, darlin'.

I'm going to check with Jared and see if he can come up with a few recipes for you that will fit the bill. He collects baking cookbooks for a hobby these days. I'm guessing all the variety you can get will be useful...

Love!
Q

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 1:12 PM

Hey, you might have better luck with wheat-free bread if you ask the bakery folk at Whole Foods for spelt bread. It's a little more normal than what I can imagine tapioca loaf would be...just a thought...things made of buckwheat should be okay, since buckwheat is actually a vegetable, not a grain, so that would mean soba noodles would be okay...I'm gonna be thinking hard about this now...

Posted by: at August 29, 2005 1:20 PM

In this situation I would call the doc and say, "look, how many cheats/treats can he really get away with and not live in fear?" because if you can get an answer, the decision is no longer yours and having a treat might help keep Bear focused.

You really are doing a great job, you've had so much humor and are trying to do the right thing. And Bear knows that you just want to protect him.

Posted by: anna at August 29, 2005 4:30 PM

Try this, you should be able to get away with just about anything.
Mix a bit of "wheat substitute" flour by the following proportions:
1 cup cornstarch
2 cups rice flour
1 cup soy flour
3 cups potato starch

This mixture can be substituted for wheat flour 1 cup= 1 cup in any recipe. All that needs to be done is to lower your recipe's baking temperature by 25� and use a little bit less fat, as the extra fat will keep the starch chains from forming up, which is what you lose when you eliminate gluten. Also, keep this in the fridge or freezer, as it has more protein, and some oils that are not found in white flour.

Also, Rye flour has virtually no gluten. However, you may have a hard time finding recipes that do not have you mix rye flour with wheat flour to help the dough come together. I have included a short list here-- but there are more in either "The New Complete Book of Breads" by Bernard Clayton or "The King Arthur Flour Bakers Companion"

Enjoy

Westphalian Pumpernickel
Produces 1 large (9x5) or 2 small (7x3) loaves

1/4 cup sugar
3 cups boiling water
4 cups dark rye flour
1 cup millet
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons vegetable oil

Pour sugar into heavy fry pan, and place over medium heat. Stir constantly with fork until sugar is melted. Continue to cook until sugar smokes and is black (about 3 min). Carefully add the boiling water, cook, stir until sugar is dissolved. Set aside.

In large bowl measure rye flour, millet, salt and oil. Pour in the cooled carmel liquid and stir until dough is smooth. It will be quite dense. Let rest in bowl, covered with plastic wrap, at room temperature at least overnight.

Press the dough into greased pan(s), pushing into corner with wet fingers and smooth with spatula dipped in water. Dough will be solid.

Place a pan of boiling water in the oven beneath the middle shelf. Turn the oven to 200. Cover the pans tightly with aluminum foil and place in oven for 4 hours. After 4 hours, turn the temperature 300 and bake for another 2 hours, or until the loaf feels firm. Take pans out of oven and cool for 5 minutes before turning out onto rack to cool completely. Wrap in plastic, refridgerate and slice thin.

Banana Barley Bread
Makes one large 9x5 pan, greased and lined with wax paper

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup shortening
2 eggs room temp.
1 1/3 cups mashed banana
1 1/2 cups barley flour
1 cup rice flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 chopped walnuts

Preheat oven 350

In mixing bowl, cream the sugar and shortening. Cut in the eggs, then mix in the banana. In another bowl combine the barley flour, rice flour, baking powder and salt. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ones, and when it it well blended, add walnuts. pour the batter into the pan, and push into the corners with a spatula. Place pan in oven and cook for 1 hour, or until cake tester (toothpick or knife) comes out cleanly. Remove from oven, let sit for 5 min. then turn out onto a rack to cool.

Jared

Posted by: Jared at August 29, 2005 5:05 PM

Another thought-- if butter in baking is an issue, then you can always substitute vegetable shortening. Whole Foods carries an awesome non-hydrogenated veggie shortening. If you sub shortening for butter, reduce the ammount by about 75% as butter is only about 3/4 fat and 1/4 water. You may find adding a tablespoon of water will help also. Shortning often performes better than butter due to it's higher melting point. Hence why all the packaged baked goods at the store seem to have hydrogenated oil in them. The only thing it will not work for is french pastry, which requires the lower melting point.

Posted by: Jared at August 29, 2005 10:53 PM

As a husband of a wife who has to chime in when I'm eating things I shouldn't I think I might be able to, yknow, offer some perspective.

When you told Bear to stop eating the popcorn at the movies (cuz you did) it was like kicking him, HARD.

Every time Nena tells me not to eat something or that I'm having too much of something it's like she's kicking me ... and she's been doing this since our second or third date.

Even after all these years and the countless things she's told me to get out of my mouth, it still hurts when she tells me not to do things, but she's doing her job.

No one ever said that marriage was ever going to be all fun and games and I think you know and understand that better than most of the people I know that haven't been married for 20 years. But, this is just one more unpleasant thing that comes with the territory.

I get annoyed with Nena when she tells me to stop, and I even fight back from time to time. But at the end of the day I'm thankful that I have someone in my life willing to tell me to take care of myself even when my first instinct is to throw all that out the window and eat whatever I want.

Talk to Bear, I'm sure he feels, or will feel the same way.

Keep doing what you're doing, you're doing the right thing.

Posted by: nenie at August 30, 2005 1:22 PM

Jared, thanks so much for the recipes. I'm really sorry; I spoke too loosely and it's actually gluten that Sean can't have. However, the recipes inspired Sean to improvise a bit on his own, and he made some really tasty biscuits last night out of God only knows what. I'll check out the butter substitute. Again, thank you.

Nenie, I know how it feels. Mom did the same thing to me all my life, and I know how it hurts. Bear and I talked about it, and he really does want me to stay on him about it. And I know that it's the best thing for him, too. I guess, more than anything, I just felt terrible doing it, and wanted to bitch and moan... ;)

Posted by: jen at August 30, 2005 2:39 PM

You are doing a good job, Jen. You both are. This is an incredibly hard time for you both, and you are sticking with it and being strong for eachother. I feel like it's important to keep an eye on eachother, even when it's a pain.
I think it's really nice that you're following his diet to some degree. During the spring, when I have to give up wheat and dairy, it's kind of nice when Josh chooses not to get that ravioli that I'm lusting after. Not to say that you shouldn't sometimes...keep in mind that your body still needs variety...

The popcorn thing is really hard. Josh is a big fan of the popcorn, and it's probably the hardest thing not to cheat on when we go to the movies. It's also so incredibly bad.

With the whole "I'd have to say no" thing...It's a pretty understandable thing to say, but it is probably better to keep that kind of thing to a minimum. Dissuasion and encouragement are wonderful, but getting into a pattern of "you can/you can't introduces a dynamic that rarely seems healthy.

But then, sometimes it's necessary.

I have the bug bite thing as well, and mild ecxema, so when Josh gives me the "stop scratching" eye, I tend to feel kind of chastised, momentarily irritated, and finally thankful that my arms aren't bleeding.

I don't know, darlin'...just keep those lines of communication open, and do your best, and don't kick yourself if you don't always know exactly what to do at every turn. Nobody does.

Posted by: Magenta at August 31, 2005 9:26 AM

not being in the same position (or country, for that matter), i can only but offer my words of support. as with everybody else, i'm open to e-mail (and phone call, albeit expensive phone call) rants and vents, so willing.

take care and keep strong! you are only doing what anybody as committed, disciplined and devoted would do. and, of course, nobody whould expect any less, even if it hurts sometimes.

you know what? maybe you're doing a spectacular job.

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